It was a day like any other. The habit of having coffee at 11 now ingrained deeply into her, she set off with some of the other wilful slaves of routine. There were the usual jokes, the camaraderie, the rounds of laughter, discussions that were meaningless but being spoken of as if they would shake the earth's very foundations. She almost smiled at the futility of it all.
Sometimes, she wondered at herself. She was very capable of being in the midst of a throng and feeling very alone. It wasn't visible to the others, she would be saying the right things and responding at the required pauses but she felt like she was looking at the life of another, through another's eyes while being aware that there were no two people, it was just her.
She would be talking and simultaneously processing how the people around her would perceive the sentence, who would respond and in which way. And more often than not, her brain would foretell what would be said next and for that it would have prepared a response too.
These were two clearly seperate processes, both intimately aware of the other. The talking-process sometimes wondered what this is, if it is normal to have the voice in your head pondering about the clouds in the sky when you are talking of that model walking down the ramp on tv.
She was walking towards the coffee dispensing machine in the cafeteria quite lost in her own thoughts when she saw him. The first thought that ran through her mind was "Now, that's what good looking is". She was gawking at him and felt absolutely no need to feel ashamed about it or avert her eyes in case any one was watching her.
Just looking at him refreshed her, it was the weirdest of emotions, that voice inside her was telling her , trying to reason out what it was that she was doing, but the very same voice also grudgingly agreed that she was right. There he was minding his own business, unaware of her, just waiting for his cup of coffee and she felt like she had reached some special point, that something had changed all in that one second.
He turned around and left , oblivious to her and she moved along with her crowd and got her own cup but she didn't dare look for him.She didn't scan the cafeteria for that cute guy dressed all decently to look like he was one of that crowd, but he wasn't . She just knew.
Nobody realised that she wasn't in the conversation, but she really didn't care, the turmoil she was in mentally right now astounded her.
She had seen so many guys before, probably better looking than him, she had been in love too but this emotion that she was feeling based on one look was new to her. It made her feel wondrous, almost giddy with that feeling filling her up.
She leaned back on her chair and savored the moment. It was her ray of hope, it was that silver lining, she was still alive. She had feelings within her, they just needed that catalyst to bring it out.
She stood up with a smile and turned around to walk towards the door. He got up at the very same moment and as he did, he looked up at her. At that moment, not for the last 15 mins when she was agonising, questioning, understanding, accepting and finally enjoying that feeling that was coursing through her, he chose this minute to see her.
A thought popped into her head, what would he think if he knew I was smiling because of him.
He was still looking at her, time seemed to slow down to see exactly what effect this guy was having on Stuti.
She was surprised at the calm she felt, if she ever noticed some guy 'checking her out', she would immediately escape from the situation, either with a scowl on the face or swearing under her breath. Not now, now, she wanted him to see her, she wanted to know if she would affect him the same way.
As she passed by him, she knew that she wouldn't even have to look back.
He had felt it too.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I am me
It’s been over 2 years now. The same office. The same route to work everyday. The same people. The same faces. The same meaningless conversations. The same canteen. The very same dreaded canteen food. The same old work under the guise of new.
She never really liked what she was doing. So, she bore whatever work fell into her plate and did it with the required amount of involvement and a pinch more than that of indifference. She had long since come to understand that it was just means to an end. She did not look forward to feeling elated or like shouting “Eureka!! “ every time she made some amazing breakthrough. She was good at it, didn’t mean she had to like it. And it paid more than she could earn elsewhere, if she even knew what work she could do elsewhere. Seemed like years of training and repeated-constant exposure to her environs had turned her into what she sometimes despised in others – a modern day slave who harbored illusions of being different, being something more than all the other sheep, who was pure brain and had great potential just waiting to be recognized. And of course, one given 8*8 sq feet area, walling the slave in as much as they believed they used it to wall out the others.
That is the problem with knowing so much theory, being able to think out something, rationalize it, think of your situation as if you were seeing yourself through the third person’s eyes. You just lose track of what you want to do, what you are, what you can be, what you truly like and what defines you. You become another wallflower. And she was at the brink of falling over that line.
She looked at each place and identified it with the people that made it as it is. It gave her more pleasure than most other things to be surrounded by people who were waiting to be read and understood without them knowing it.
There were people she used to like to work with, people she liked talking with, people she would meet up over weekends for a cup of coffee and fun. But it all seemed so long ago. Sometimes, she felt like the survivor of some war, one who could only search for people who were part of her surroundings once but are no more. She looked around and felt like strangers had occupied the place that belonged to her friends. Like the table they always sat at in the canteen, many a time, was occupied by people she had never seen before. And she always felt that twinge of regret of have not gone away herself.
Moving to a new place seems to be less taxing on emotions than to live on in the same place with space and memories to fill in the gaps.
She moved forward suddenly as the bus stopped with a jerk. She had reached her slave factory.
As she got off the bus, she smiled wistfully at the thoughts that had filled her head through the journey and she shook her head. Another day, another beginning. There’s always hope, you just need to want something badly enough.
She saw a friend waving to her and moved towards her with a big smile and said hi. And she heard in return.
“Hi Stuti”.
That is me. Remember it. I am not Employee Number 213456. I am Stuti. I am my own person. I have hopes, desires, wishes and a life to live all by my own rules. Remember that and today too will pass by without you wondering why you feel like a part of you dies everyday just by being here.
She never really liked what she was doing. So, she bore whatever work fell into her plate and did it with the required amount of involvement and a pinch more than that of indifference. She had long since come to understand that it was just means to an end. She did not look forward to feeling elated or like shouting “Eureka!! “ every time she made some amazing breakthrough. She was good at it, didn’t mean she had to like it. And it paid more than she could earn elsewhere, if she even knew what work she could do elsewhere. Seemed like years of training and repeated-constant exposure to her environs had turned her into what she sometimes despised in others – a modern day slave who harbored illusions of being different, being something more than all the other sheep, who was pure brain and had great potential just waiting to be recognized. And of course, one given 8*8 sq feet area, walling the slave in as much as they believed they used it to wall out the others.
That is the problem with knowing so much theory, being able to think out something, rationalize it, think of your situation as if you were seeing yourself through the third person’s eyes. You just lose track of what you want to do, what you are, what you can be, what you truly like and what defines you. You become another wallflower. And she was at the brink of falling over that line.
She looked at each place and identified it with the people that made it as it is. It gave her more pleasure than most other things to be surrounded by people who were waiting to be read and understood without them knowing it.
There were people she used to like to work with, people she liked talking with, people she would meet up over weekends for a cup of coffee and fun. But it all seemed so long ago. Sometimes, she felt like the survivor of some war, one who could only search for people who were part of her surroundings once but are no more. She looked around and felt like strangers had occupied the place that belonged to her friends. Like the table they always sat at in the canteen, many a time, was occupied by people she had never seen before. And she always felt that twinge of regret of have not gone away herself.
Moving to a new place seems to be less taxing on emotions than to live on in the same place with space and memories to fill in the gaps.
She moved forward suddenly as the bus stopped with a jerk. She had reached her slave factory.
As she got off the bus, she smiled wistfully at the thoughts that had filled her head through the journey and she shook her head. Another day, another beginning. There’s always hope, you just need to want something badly enough.
She saw a friend waving to her and moved towards her with a big smile and said hi. And she heard in return.
“Hi Stuti”.
That is me. Remember it. I am not Employee Number 213456. I am Stuti. I am my own person. I have hopes, desires, wishes and a life to live all by my own rules. Remember that and today too will pass by without you wondering why you feel like a part of you dies everyday just by being here.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
More reports ?
She walked away as fast as she could. She could still feel his stare.It made her want to jump right out that window, anything so she would never have to face him again. As she reached her desk, she was fuming,what in the name of the heavens did he think he was! Muttering to herself, she sat down to re-work her last 5 hours effort. That would mean another late night at office, more answering to her parents who would start off with the usual, "Being a girl, working so late, cant u tell your manager to let you go before 6". She could never give a straight answer. Damn the equality business, wouldn't it be great if you could cash in on being a girl. And what's the point being a girl if you cant make any profit out of it!!
Even as she thought it, she knew that, she wouldn't really try to back out of work using that as a trump card. She actually liked what she was doing, she always had fun,she had a great group of friends, and all seemed to be going good.
In fact, all was going good until that stupid manager came out of the blue, just to make life miserable for her. Why couldn't he have remained onsite? A weekly status report and he would keep out of her hair, and he didn't seem half as bad on the phone as he did now."Monster" the word escaped her lips before she realised.
And he materialized at that very instant.
And wouldn't he, its like he knew exactly where to be at the exact wrong time when she slipped. like today, when one wrong entry in that darned report needed for all the others to be re-worked. She didn't really have time for all that flashback, he was standing right in front of her, hand casually placed over the cubicle wall with a bemused smile.
He did have a nice smile,she grudgingly gave him that and then he opened his mouth to speak.And that was it, all thoughts of his stupid smile being cute went out the window.
"I am sorry sir, I was talking to myself" she cut him off. His smile became wider and she felt like kicking herself, why did you have to go and apologize for something that he probably didn't even connect to himself." Was there something else to be added sir? I have just started on the rework".He said something and she wasn't sure what it was, he was probably talking to himself. Well, why doesn't he go to his oversized desk and talk to himself, why bother me. But since she couldn't say that to him, she just put on her prettiest fake smile and hoped he would not hear her teeth gnashing behind.
"Do you want me to help you out with that? I know you spent a lot of time on it, its pretty unfortunate that you have to do it again"
Her mouth literally fell open, he! His Holy Majesty was offering to help !Did she hear him right? Was he mocking her and telling her that he doesn't believe she can get it right again? No, don't jump to weird meaningless conclusions, he's just offering to help. Maybe he realised he was harsher with her earlier that required.
"From next time on though, make sure you have the numbers right, it will save us the double effort when you could be doing something else"
How could you even think that he would help you with no sarcastic reprimands! Just a second back, she was almost going to say "Yes", she could go home early she had thought eagerly. Now, there was no way,stupid over-egoistic show-off, I don't need any of your help.
"No sir, its ok, thank you, I'll manage it myself. I'll mail it to you before I leave".
Another of those maddening all-knowing mocking smile and he was gone."Good riddance" and she immediately bit her lip, in case he was still hanging around. Thankfully, he wasn't.
She started on the task. Almost every entry she made, she had a curse ready for him.
Why did he have to come back here?
Why was I the only one who has to report to him?
Why couldn't it have been Ananya(she had gone home 2 hours ago!) or Saahil(he was around somewhere doing God knows what)?
Why me!!
Why couldn't I have confirmed the stupid number with him before having started off?
Who would have thought that he had a 'latest' report! He doesn't expect me to hallucinate it does he?He probably would.2 cups of coffee, a visit from the security guard checking and 4 phone calls from home later she was finally done.
Now to mail it to him and be off with it.He was probably in bed snoring away to glory. The choicest of abuses came to her, but she stopped herself, it was her mistake after all,and she was the only one who could do those reports and he did offer to help, she had been too egoistic to accept.
She stretched to relax her body, she had been in the cooped position for too long. She couldn't feel her legs. She rubbed her eyes wearily, the dark circles from today would take a week to go away. Another bout of curses for him came up.
"How are u planning to go home?"
"What the ... You scared me sir"? Scared would be a gross understatement, he had scared the living daylights out of her. She almost nearly fell off her chair,she told herself, not that she would,but she felt she could have.
"I am sorry about that, I got your mail, I thought you might be ready to leave now, do you have a ride back home?"and that smile of his again,Stop staring at him and answer to what he's asking.
"I .. uh ... no.. I don't have a ride. I mean, I ... uh .. I will book a cab now sir".
Stop stammering stop stammering stop stammering.
"I can drop you if you want"
hmm, he actually stayed back. To drop me? hmmm.
"Well, I stay in XYZ, its probably out of the way for you sir, I'll book a cab"
"Not really, I don't mind at all, in fact, I would appreciate the company."
No you wouldn't, not my company. She had heard that he was an absolute terror to people even onsite. No one could manage one proper conversation with him. People would go out of their way to avoid him.I would definitely not enjoy your company.and he was walking away, he turned over to say "Give me 5 minutes, I have to finish up something"
Oh, so, he was working.
She went to freshen up and one look at the mirror, she looked like she had been toiling in the hot sun without respite for a few weeks, how in the name of the heavens did he manage to look like he had just gotten up after 10 hours of sleep, all fresh and grinning from ear to ear like a donkey. Damn him.
She washed her face, set her hair, sort of satisfied with the end result, she walked out.A sudden thought popped into her head, and why did you have to make sure you weren't looking too bad.Before she could answer her own question, she saw him.
He was good looking in a good sort of way. She had never really noticed him like she would a guy before, he was always Akash, Akash the monster. He was just the boss, not a guy. He wasn't that bad looking at all, she thought as she tried to read in his features without seeming obvious.He was on the phone. She remembered, he stayed with his parents in ABC, that was way out of the way from XYZ. He was probably telling them, he'd be late.
When she came close enough to hear what he was saying, she realised he was on the phone with the client, at 2 in the night for heaven's sake. Doesn't he have a life of his own? Then she also realised, he was one of those untiring, unrelentingly hardworking people for whom work was life. She knew that all the people who were wary of his company or the people who were scared of him,anyone for that matter, would, without blinking say that he was probably the only reason the whole team was on this project. He was good at what he did, all respected him , just that no one saw him get pally with anyone. He was always barking orders. And all seemed to be on the receiving end of it, that definitely doesn't earn friends now does it.
With a start, she wondered, if he felt lonely around all the people he was surrounded by. suddenly, she was almost pitying him, he always went alone everywhere, he didn't really have a fixed lunch group, he probably missed lunch more often that he had it. But he never seemed a loner, he was always something or the other to all.It was like she was seeing him in a new light, he wasn't really a monster, now, was he. He's just doing his job, maybe a tad more roughly than one would want him to.
He was winding up the conversation, and did a "Shall we leave?"gesture. She nodded and they went towards the parking lot.
Even as she thought it, she knew that, she wouldn't really try to back out of work using that as a trump card. She actually liked what she was doing, she always had fun,she had a great group of friends, and all seemed to be going good.
In fact, all was going good until that stupid manager came out of the blue, just to make life miserable for her. Why couldn't he have remained onsite? A weekly status report and he would keep out of her hair, and he didn't seem half as bad on the phone as he did now."Monster" the word escaped her lips before she realised.
And he materialized at that very instant.
And wouldn't he, its like he knew exactly where to be at the exact wrong time when she slipped. like today, when one wrong entry in that darned report needed for all the others to be re-worked. She didn't really have time for all that flashback, he was standing right in front of her, hand casually placed over the cubicle wall with a bemused smile.
He did have a nice smile,she grudgingly gave him that and then he opened his mouth to speak.And that was it, all thoughts of his stupid smile being cute went out the window.
"I am sorry sir, I was talking to myself" she cut him off. His smile became wider and she felt like kicking herself, why did you have to go and apologize for something that he probably didn't even connect to himself." Was there something else to be added sir? I have just started on the rework".He said something and she wasn't sure what it was, he was probably talking to himself. Well, why doesn't he go to his oversized desk and talk to himself, why bother me. But since she couldn't say that to him, she just put on her prettiest fake smile and hoped he would not hear her teeth gnashing behind.
"Do you want me to help you out with that? I know you spent a lot of time on it, its pretty unfortunate that you have to do it again"
Her mouth literally fell open, he! His Holy Majesty was offering to help !Did she hear him right? Was he mocking her and telling her that he doesn't believe she can get it right again? No, don't jump to weird meaningless conclusions, he's just offering to help. Maybe he realised he was harsher with her earlier that required.
"From next time on though, make sure you have the numbers right, it will save us the double effort when you could be doing something else"
How could you even think that he would help you with no sarcastic reprimands! Just a second back, she was almost going to say "Yes", she could go home early she had thought eagerly. Now, there was no way,stupid over-egoistic show-off, I don't need any of your help.
"No sir, its ok, thank you, I'll manage it myself. I'll mail it to you before I leave".
Another of those maddening all-knowing mocking smile and he was gone."Good riddance" and she immediately bit her lip, in case he was still hanging around. Thankfully, he wasn't.
She started on the task. Almost every entry she made, she had a curse ready for him.
Why did he have to come back here?
Why was I the only one who has to report to him?
Why couldn't it have been Ananya(she had gone home 2 hours ago!) or Saahil(he was around somewhere doing God knows what)?
Why me!!
Why couldn't I have confirmed the stupid number with him before having started off?
Who would have thought that he had a 'latest' report! He doesn't expect me to hallucinate it does he?He probably would.2 cups of coffee, a visit from the security guard checking and 4 phone calls from home later she was finally done.
Now to mail it to him and be off with it.He was probably in bed snoring away to glory. The choicest of abuses came to her, but she stopped herself, it was her mistake after all,and she was the only one who could do those reports and he did offer to help, she had been too egoistic to accept.
She stretched to relax her body, she had been in the cooped position for too long. She couldn't feel her legs. She rubbed her eyes wearily, the dark circles from today would take a week to go away. Another bout of curses for him came up.
"How are u planning to go home?"
"What the ... You scared me sir"? Scared would be a gross understatement, he had scared the living daylights out of her. She almost nearly fell off her chair,she told herself, not that she would,but she felt she could have.
"I am sorry about that, I got your mail, I thought you might be ready to leave now, do you have a ride back home?"and that smile of his again,Stop staring at him and answer to what he's asking.
"I .. uh ... no.. I don't have a ride. I mean, I ... uh .. I will book a cab now sir".
Stop stammering stop stammering stop stammering.
"I can drop you if you want"
hmm, he actually stayed back. To drop me? hmmm.
"Well, I stay in XYZ, its probably out of the way for you sir, I'll book a cab"
"Not really, I don't mind at all, in fact, I would appreciate the company."
No you wouldn't, not my company. She had heard that he was an absolute terror to people even onsite. No one could manage one proper conversation with him. People would go out of their way to avoid him.I would definitely not enjoy your company.and he was walking away, he turned over to say "Give me 5 minutes, I have to finish up something"
Oh, so, he was working.
She went to freshen up and one look at the mirror, she looked like she had been toiling in the hot sun without respite for a few weeks, how in the name of the heavens did he manage to look like he had just gotten up after 10 hours of sleep, all fresh and grinning from ear to ear like a donkey. Damn him.
She washed her face, set her hair, sort of satisfied with the end result, she walked out.A sudden thought popped into her head, and why did you have to make sure you weren't looking too bad.Before she could answer her own question, she saw him.
He was good looking in a good sort of way. She had never really noticed him like she would a guy before, he was always Akash, Akash the monster. He was just the boss, not a guy. He wasn't that bad looking at all, she thought as she tried to read in his features without seeming obvious.He was on the phone. She remembered, he stayed with his parents in ABC, that was way out of the way from XYZ. He was probably telling them, he'd be late.
When she came close enough to hear what he was saying, she realised he was on the phone with the client, at 2 in the night for heaven's sake. Doesn't he have a life of his own? Then she also realised, he was one of those untiring, unrelentingly hardworking people for whom work was life. She knew that all the people who were wary of his company or the people who were scared of him,anyone for that matter, would, without blinking say that he was probably the only reason the whole team was on this project. He was good at what he did, all respected him , just that no one saw him get pally with anyone. He was always barking orders. And all seemed to be on the receiving end of it, that definitely doesn't earn friends now does it.
With a start, she wondered, if he felt lonely around all the people he was surrounded by. suddenly, she was almost pitying him, he always went alone everywhere, he didn't really have a fixed lunch group, he probably missed lunch more often that he had it. But he never seemed a loner, he was always something or the other to all.It was like she was seeing him in a new light, he wasn't really a monster, now, was he. He's just doing his job, maybe a tad more roughly than one would want him to.
He was winding up the conversation, and did a "Shall we leave?"gesture. She nodded and they went towards the parking lot.
An evening at work ...
She walked in to find Shreya crying, no, she corrected herself, Shreya had just finished crying and was trying to calm herself.Her face was streaked with tears. She wasnt sobbing, so it wasnt the hysterical sort of thing, something she remembered perhaps, there was nothing about her that shecould connect to un-happiness of any sort.She went upto her and put an armaround her, the poor kid hadnt noticed there was anyone else in the room.She looked into Ananya's face to find a warm comforting look but also thefamous raised eyebrow which was the unspoken question. She knew that shedidnt really have to tell her, but it was Ananya. Anyone could pour theirheart out to her, she would listen patiently, not once interrupt till youget everything off your chest.Then she would tell you how to handle it ifthat was what you wanted or she would convince you that you had done onlywhat you could or something else, but you would always walk away feelinglighter and maybe with a smile too.
Ananya saw the hesitation on her face and knew that she would tell her whatwas wrong. She had come in to look for Shreya, no doubt, her presence wasbeing missed. As it was. they were running short of hands to help and sheherself was away.The hostess. The crowd was piling up and Jeevan wasnt thatgood at handling big numbers as Shreya.Ananya had just walked in afterparking her car and noticed the huge crowd waiting outside her restaurant.A couple of minutes later, she realised the cause and thats where we comeback to the beginning of this story.
There was no point in reprimanding her for being away from her post whenshe obviously was in some form of discomfort.She got her to take a chairwhile she took the stool next to it and asked her "What happened?What upsetyou?" The story came out in bits and pieces and as the girl started toreplay the events, she seemed to lose her control again and startedsobbing. Trying to soothe her and understand her garbled words, Ananya finally made sense of what had happened.
Today was a very busy day for the eatery, people thronged and generally didnot mind waiting an hour to be seated. Turned out that one of the patronswasnt happy with the seat that he had been shown to.He was a regular too.He had been outraged that after waiting for close to 45 mins and being aregular customer too, the staff hadnt shown him enough courtesy.He had beengiven a table in the smoking section.That for some reason he had taken as apersonal insult. He had come back and told her that he did not want theseat he was given, she not knowing why, tried to convince him. With histemper raising, he had told her that he did not want to be in the smokingsection, she had the line of customers in front of her to tend to and thisguy was talking to her in raised tones. So, she told him , "Very politely Ma'am" , to wait a few minutes and Jeevan would attend to him.Less than aminute later, he came back to her and started shouting at the top of hisvoice about courtesy, common sense . So, she told him to give her a coupleof minutes and that she would find him a table in the seating area of hischoice as soon as one became free.Nothing seemed to pacify the man and hekept screaming at her.Nothing abusive thankfully, but very rude.When she could not take it anymore , she had just walked away just in caseshe lost her temper and would say something to him that she couldnt take back.
"I'll go back now ma'am, I guess he would have gone away by now. I dontknow if the hotel has lost a regular and I am sorry about this Ma'am, I should have handled it better."
,"Its not your fault, I know you well enough to say that you have handledthe toughest of customers.This guy must have been something totally out ofthis world to have affected you.Not to worry. Now smile a little, gofreshen up and come back when you feel upto it. I'll handle it till then"and she gave her a big smile.
She hoped Shreya felt better as she walked back to meet the crowd. She tooka deep breath and told herself it was ok, you can handle this.Taking careof the details, the behind the scene work was her forte.She liked stayingin the background and observing what people wanted.Studying people, theirreactions, expressions, animated voices , all that was what she enjoyeddoing.She always tried to shirk away from facing people.And now, it had tobe done. As she walked back, she wondered who this guy was who had createdsuch a huge ruckus that had actually ruffled one of her best.Must be an oldgeezer probably uptight about smoking.Old world grandpa with deeply setnotions of how senior citizens are to be treated.She conjured up and imageof a retired military guy, bald with snow white moustache which isgenerally treated as a symbol of pride, walking stiffly and upright like hewas marching under orders.And laughed. She could imagine him towering over Shreya while she helplessly tried to convince him to wait for a couple of minutes.
15 minutes later, she was too lost in checking in on the service, findingthe right seat, keeping track of which tables were getting freed-up, whichwere in the dessert stage , so she could add them to the next openings, atleast now people were contained into the seating area and not overflowingonto the street.It would show the Banerjee's on the other side how good herbusiness was but she had always thought it was demeaning to have to standon the street in a queue just to eat food. And in the same tone, she triednot to let it happen at her hotel.She would have to open another branchsoon , she knew it but had been postponing it. The brand was in the making,it had good wishes of quite a few regulars, people came from halfway acrosstown too on special occasions, there was a lot of good will that she couldcash in on.There was the investment for that, she had to get the rightbuiling , she had to start scouting for locations, then there was the ....No, she firmly told herself, not now, think of all that later leisurely.Notnow.Almost waiting to break her chain of thought, if she hadnt done soherself, up next was a man whose face was a weird pink. She smiled at himand she made the usual statement "Good evening sir, welcome to Ananya's.Will it be just you or will someone be joining you?"
"Ah, you are a different one.Let me start from the very beginning. It willbe just me.I want to be seated in the non-smoking section." Pause."Is thatclear enough or do I have to repeat myself?"AHA ! so, this was he. She stood silent for a second before replying tohim. She was about to open her mouth when Shreya opened the door to comein, one look at the guy and she stepped right back out in that veryinstant.She laughed.She couldnt help herself, the poor girl had to choose that exact moment to come back, didn't she.
"Something you find amusing?"
She looked back at him, the ring of laughter still in her tone, and said,"Yes, you seemed to have scared Shreya, the hostess for the evening. I had no idea that someone who seems as congenial as you do would have that effect on people. As for your seating request, I am flattered that you like our place enough to have come back after that mini-show you had put on.
Ananya saw the hesitation on her face and knew that she would tell her whatwas wrong. She had come in to look for Shreya, no doubt, her presence wasbeing missed. As it was. they were running short of hands to help and sheherself was away.The hostess. The crowd was piling up and Jeevan wasnt thatgood at handling big numbers as Shreya.Ananya had just walked in afterparking her car and noticed the huge crowd waiting outside her restaurant.A couple of minutes later, she realised the cause and thats where we comeback to the beginning of this story.
There was no point in reprimanding her for being away from her post whenshe obviously was in some form of discomfort.She got her to take a chairwhile she took the stool next to it and asked her "What happened?What upsetyou?" The story came out in bits and pieces and as the girl started toreplay the events, she seemed to lose her control again and startedsobbing. Trying to soothe her and understand her garbled words, Ananya finally made sense of what had happened.
Today was a very busy day for the eatery, people thronged and generally didnot mind waiting an hour to be seated. Turned out that one of the patronswasnt happy with the seat that he had been shown to.He was a regular too.He had been outraged that after waiting for close to 45 mins and being aregular customer too, the staff hadnt shown him enough courtesy.He had beengiven a table in the smoking section.That for some reason he had taken as apersonal insult. He had come back and told her that he did not want theseat he was given, she not knowing why, tried to convince him. With histemper raising, he had told her that he did not want to be in the smokingsection, she had the line of customers in front of her to tend to and thisguy was talking to her in raised tones. So, she told him , "Very politely Ma'am" , to wait a few minutes and Jeevan would attend to him.Less than aminute later, he came back to her and started shouting at the top of hisvoice about courtesy, common sense . So, she told him to give her a coupleof minutes and that she would find him a table in the seating area of hischoice as soon as one became free.Nothing seemed to pacify the man and hekept screaming at her.Nothing abusive thankfully, but very rude.When she could not take it anymore , she had just walked away just in caseshe lost her temper and would say something to him that she couldnt take back.
"I'll go back now ma'am, I guess he would have gone away by now. I dontknow if the hotel has lost a regular and I am sorry about this Ma'am, I should have handled it better."
,"Its not your fault, I know you well enough to say that you have handledthe toughest of customers.This guy must have been something totally out ofthis world to have affected you.Not to worry. Now smile a little, gofreshen up and come back when you feel upto it. I'll handle it till then"and she gave her a big smile.
She hoped Shreya felt better as she walked back to meet the crowd. She tooka deep breath and told herself it was ok, you can handle this.Taking careof the details, the behind the scene work was her forte.She liked stayingin the background and observing what people wanted.Studying people, theirreactions, expressions, animated voices , all that was what she enjoyeddoing.She always tried to shirk away from facing people.And now, it had tobe done. As she walked back, she wondered who this guy was who had createdsuch a huge ruckus that had actually ruffled one of her best.Must be an oldgeezer probably uptight about smoking.Old world grandpa with deeply setnotions of how senior citizens are to be treated.She conjured up and imageof a retired military guy, bald with snow white moustache which isgenerally treated as a symbol of pride, walking stiffly and upright like hewas marching under orders.And laughed. She could imagine him towering over Shreya while she helplessly tried to convince him to wait for a couple of minutes.
15 minutes later, she was too lost in checking in on the service, findingthe right seat, keeping track of which tables were getting freed-up, whichwere in the dessert stage , so she could add them to the next openings, atleast now people were contained into the seating area and not overflowingonto the street.It would show the Banerjee's on the other side how good herbusiness was but she had always thought it was demeaning to have to standon the street in a queue just to eat food. And in the same tone, she triednot to let it happen at her hotel.She would have to open another branchsoon , she knew it but had been postponing it. The brand was in the making,it had good wishes of quite a few regulars, people came from halfway acrosstown too on special occasions, there was a lot of good will that she couldcash in on.There was the investment for that, she had to get the rightbuiling , she had to start scouting for locations, then there was the ....No, she firmly told herself, not now, think of all that later leisurely.Notnow.Almost waiting to break her chain of thought, if she hadnt done soherself, up next was a man whose face was a weird pink. She smiled at himand she made the usual statement "Good evening sir, welcome to Ananya's.Will it be just you or will someone be joining you?"
"Ah, you are a different one.Let me start from the very beginning. It willbe just me.I want to be seated in the non-smoking section." Pause."Is thatclear enough or do I have to repeat myself?"AHA ! so, this was he. She stood silent for a second before replying tohim. She was about to open her mouth when Shreya opened the door to comein, one look at the guy and she stepped right back out in that veryinstant.She laughed.She couldnt help herself, the poor girl had to choose that exact moment to come back, didn't she.
"Something you find amusing?"
She looked back at him, the ring of laughter still in her tone, and said,"Yes, you seemed to have scared Shreya, the hostess for the evening. I had no idea that someone who seems as congenial as you do would have that effect on people. As for your seating request, I am flattered that you like our place enough to have come back after that mini-show you had put on.
An incomplete attempt
She looked at the clock. The hour hand hadnt moved.Why did'nt it? She had patiently waited for a year, but this last one hour was taking forever. She looked at the clock again. Did it move ? or were her eyes just playing tricks on her? She looked around her. There was almost no one else in the station, just the porters lying around. She got up, went and got herself a coffee. It did nothing to soothe her nerves. She walked up and down, sat on the bench, the beautiful sunrise went un-noticed. She paced up and down the platform more than a hundred times and yet that darned clock hand wouldnt move.
"I will be back on the 17th". There was no hi-hello, she picked up the phone at the first ring and she heard the hoop of joy and "I will be back on the 17th". It was the 17th today, all of 5.30 am. Then she heard the whistle of the train as it chugged into the station. Her eyes looked searchingly at every door, into every window, where was he?
He found her before she did him. She was knotting and unknotting the edge of her dupatta. She always did that when she got nervous around him and it always made him smile. Everytime he had heard her voice over the phone, he had imagined her doing that or throwing her long plait over her shoulder like she would when playfully teasing him. Sigh, he had missed her so much the last few months. As he looked at her now he felt it more than he had in all his moments of loneliness, than all those moments when he spent hours looking at her photo and cursing himself for having gone away from her.
She saw him, he was half-hanging out from the train. He was here. The guy with the cutest smile she had ever seen, the guy she had her first crush on, her best friend, the love of her life, her husband was here. He had his broadest smile on, head half tilted, that unruly mop of hair falling over his forehead. She broke into a smile and then into laughter, the whole year melted into nothingness. The train screeched to a halt.He got off the train and walked towards her. Time stilled around them. She was laughing, her happy laugh- oh how he had missed the sight of that.
She stretched out her hand and touched his face. She let her palm linger over his cheek, she felt the slight stubble.As her fingers curled backwards, he held her hands to his face.Her soft fingers against his skin felt like pure magic. He sensed her moving her fingers away maybe because of the place they were in, but he dint really care. He pressed her fingers against his face and close his eyes, letting the sensation sink into him. He opened his eyes and saw the expression on her face had changed. She was trying her best not to break down.
The tears were welling up within her. She dint want to make a scene. It hurt to be so close and have to be away.
"I will be back on the 17th". There was no hi-hello, she picked up the phone at the first ring and she heard the hoop of joy and "I will be back on the 17th". It was the 17th today, all of 5.30 am. Then she heard the whistle of the train as it chugged into the station. Her eyes looked searchingly at every door, into every window, where was he?
He found her before she did him. She was knotting and unknotting the edge of her dupatta. She always did that when she got nervous around him and it always made him smile. Everytime he had heard her voice over the phone, he had imagined her doing that or throwing her long plait over her shoulder like she would when playfully teasing him. Sigh, he had missed her so much the last few months. As he looked at her now he felt it more than he had in all his moments of loneliness, than all those moments when he spent hours looking at her photo and cursing himself for having gone away from her.
She saw him, he was half-hanging out from the train. He was here. The guy with the cutest smile she had ever seen, the guy she had her first crush on, her best friend, the love of her life, her husband was here. He had his broadest smile on, head half tilted, that unruly mop of hair falling over his forehead. She broke into a smile and then into laughter, the whole year melted into nothingness. The train screeched to a halt.He got off the train and walked towards her. Time stilled around them. She was laughing, her happy laugh- oh how he had missed the sight of that.
She stretched out her hand and touched his face. She let her palm linger over his cheek, she felt the slight stubble.As her fingers curled backwards, he held her hands to his face.Her soft fingers against his skin felt like pure magic. He sensed her moving her fingers away maybe because of the place they were in, but he dint really care. He pressed her fingers against his face and close his eyes, letting the sensation sink into him. He opened his eyes and saw the expression on her face had changed. She was trying her best not to break down.
The tears were welling up within her. She dint want to make a scene. It hurt to be so close and have to be away.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Night
The wind was howling ominously . It was pitch black and not a soul in sight.She pulled her overcoat closer and clutched the umbrella tighter. The street lights were not working.The moon was caught behind the clouds.The only sound other than the wind was the steady 'click-click' of her heels.There was still a long way to go. There was this weird feeling that gripped her, she could feel she was not alone , turned back a hundred times but could neither hear nor see anyone.She couldn't risk stopping either.She tried to move faster but was too tired to continue at that pace , as soon as she would slack fear would kick in and then she would force her weary legs to move , they would rebel against her and she would coax them , her mind was steady though the body was burnt out.She had to get there. He would be waiting for her, waiting to take her away from the sordid mess that she was in.Another mile to go, she had been walking 4 hours already.Its just another mile she told herself,there is a city with life just another mile away , the city that can give you your life back.She froze in her tracks.That was unmistakably the sound of footsteps.Her heart was thudding so loudly that if they hadn't seen her,they just might hear her.She broke into a run .The footsteps picked up pace behind her.There was no time to even panic, all she could do was run."Run , dear run ! Look , you are going faster than your brother, you should go for the Olympics someday", she heard her mother's voice after all these years.How did she get herself into this mess ? From that sunny day at the beach with the blue ocean to this dark lonely night.She broke into sobs,her legs gave way and she fell , face down.One bullet,just one bullet, that's all it took.25 years of life,25 years of laughter , 25 years of fear ,25 years of memories - all taken away in one second.They had got her.It was all over.All that she held dear was over.At least there would be no more terror, maybe some pain but no more terror.She was free.She did not hit the hard ground,she fell into something soft,she held on tight and looked up.It was him, she had made it after all.There were lights all around her.She had made it into the city.She just hadn't realised.She handed him the package that she had guarded with her life.She smiled and closed her eyes . There was no more pain now.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life !
The orange of the sky seemed to reflect off his bare shoulders, the glistening droplets of water on his back and the wet strands of hair falling across his forehead bore testimonial to his swim.It was the river bank that he was lying on now, trying to clear his head.The cool waters of the river always seemed to do the trick for him but today even they decided to desert him.He took a deep breath like he was trying to absorb all that was in front of him at this moment.This moment where the sun was dying and the sky gracefully consented to let herself be coloured.This moment where the running waters seem to be calling out to him. This private moment,curled up on the river-bed, when he succumbed to tears.This moment when he is the most vulnerable that he will ever let himself be.This moment that makes him realise that the world as he knows it is crumbling around him. He wished for the power to still life, he would do so at this instance and keep this slice of life with him forever."Power", the word made him smile, involuntarily. He would never want for anything, never again.He made himself that silent promise.As the darkness descended around him, the flame of hope within him began to rise.A new journey was about to begin.
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