The Silver Lining

It was a day like any other. The habit of having coffee at 11 now ingrained deeply into her, she set off with some of the other wilful slaves of routine. There were the usual jokes, the camaraderie, the rounds of laughter, discussions that were meaningless but being spoken of as if they would shake the earth's very foundations. She almost smiled at the futility of it all.

Sometimes, she wondered at herself. She was very capable of being in the midst of a throng and feeling very alone. It wasn't visible to the others, she would be saying the right things and responding at the required pauses but she felt like she was looking at the life of another, through another's eyes while being aware that there were no two people, it was just her.

She would be talking and simultaneously processing how the people around her would perceive the sentence, who would respond and in which way. And more often than not, her brain would foretell what would be said next and for that it would have prepared a response too.

These were two clearly seperate processes, both intimately aware of the other. The talking-process sometimes wondered what this is, if it is normal to have the voice in your head pondering about the clouds in the sky when you are talking of that model walking down the ramp on tv.
She was walking towards the coffee dispensing machine in the cafeteria quite lost in her own thoughts when she saw him. The first thought that ran through her mind was "Now, that's what good looking is". She was gawking at him and felt absolutely no need to feel ashamed about it or avert her eyes in case any one was watching her.
Just looking at him refreshed her, it was the weirdest of emotions, that voice inside her was telling her , trying to reason out what it was that she was doing, but the very same voice also grudgingly agreed that she was right. There he was minding his own business, unaware of her, just waiting for his cup of coffee and she felt like she had reached some special point, that something had changed all in that one second.
He turned around and left , oblivious to her and she moved along with her crowd and got her own cup but she didn't dare look for him.She didn't scan the cafeteria for that cute guy dressed all decently to look like he was one of that crowd, but he wasn't . She just knew.
Nobody realised that she wasn't in the conversation, but she really didn't care, the turmoil she was in mentally right now astounded her.
She had seen so many guys before, probably better looking than him, she had been in love too but this emotion that she was feeling based on one look was new to her. It made her feel wondrous, almost giddy with that feeling filling her up.
She leaned back on her chair and savored the moment. It was her ray of hope, it was that silver lining, she was still alive. She had feelings within her, they just needed that catalyst to bring it out.
She stood up with a smile and turned around to walk towards the door. He got up at the very same moment and as he did, he looked up at her. At that moment, not for the last 15 mins when she was agonising, questioning, understanding, accepting and finally enjoying that feeling that was coursing through her, he chose this minute to see her.
A thought popped into her head, what would he think if he knew I was smiling because of him.
He was still looking at her, time seemed to slow down to see exactly what effect this guy was having on Stuti.
She was surprised at the calm she felt, if she ever noticed some guy 'checking her out', she would immediately escape from the situation, either with a scowl on the face or swearing under her breath. Not now, now, she wanted him to see her, she wanted to know if she would affect him the same way.
As she passed by him, she knew that she wouldn't even have to look back.
He had felt it too.

I am me

It’s been over 2 years now. The same office. The same route to work everyday. The same people. The same faces. The same meaningless conversations. The same canteen. The very same dreaded canteen food. The same old work under the guise of new.
She never really liked what she was doing. So, she bore whatever work fell into her plate and did it with the required amount of involvement and a pinch more than that of indifference. She had long since come to understand that it was just means to an end. She did not look forward to feeling elated or like shouting “Eureka!! “ every time she made some amazing breakthrough. She was good at it, didn’t mean she had to like it. And it paid more than she could earn elsewhere, if she even knew what work she could do elsewhere. Seemed like years of training and repeated-constant exposure to her environs had turned her into what she sometimes despised in others – a modern day slave who harbored illusions of being different, being something more than all the other sheep, who was pure brain and had great potential just waiting to be recognized. And of course, one given 8*8 sq feet area, walling the slave in as much as they believed they used it to wall out the others.
That is the problem with knowing so much theory, being able to think out something, rationalize it, think of your situation as if you were seeing yourself through the third person’s eyes. You just lose track of what you want to do, what you are, what you can be, what you truly like and what defines you. You become another wallflower. And she was at the brink of falling over that line.
She looked at each place and identified it with the people that made it as it is. It gave her more pleasure than most other things to be surrounded by people who were waiting to be read and understood without them knowing it.
There were people she used to like to work with, people she liked talking with, people she would meet up over weekends for a cup of coffee and fun. But it all seemed so long ago. Sometimes, she felt like the survivor of some war, one who could only search for people who were part of her surroundings once but are no more. She looked around and felt like strangers had occupied the place that belonged to her friends. Like the table they always sat at in the canteen, many a time, was occupied by people she had never seen before. And she always felt that twinge of regret of have not gone away herself.
Moving to a new place seems to be less taxing on emotions than to live on in the same place with space and memories to fill in the gaps.
She moved forward suddenly as the bus stopped with a jerk. She had reached her slave factory.
As she got off the bus, she smiled wistfully at the thoughts that had filled her head through the journey and she shook her head. Another day, another beginning. There’s always hope, you just need to want something badly enough.
She saw a friend waving to her and moved towards her with a big smile and said hi. And she heard in return.
“Hi Stuti”.
That is me. Remember it. I am not Employee Number 213456. I am Stuti. I am my own person. I have hopes, desires, wishes and a life to live all by my own rules. Remember that and today too will pass by without you wondering why you feel like a part of you dies everyday just by being here.

More reports ?

She walked away as fast as she could. She could still feel his stare.It made her want to jump right out that window, anything so she would never have to face him again. As she reached her desk, she was fuming,what in the name of the heavens did he think he was! Muttering to herself, she sat down to re-work her last 5 hours effort. That would mean another late night at office, more answering to her parents who would start off with the usual, "Being a girl, working so late, cant u tell your manager to let you go before 6". She could never give a straight answer. Damn the equality business, wouldn't it be great if you could cash in on being a girl. And what's the point being a girl if you cant make any profit out of it!!
Even as she thought it, she knew that, she wouldn't really try to back out of work using that as a trump card. She actually liked what she was doing, she always had fun,she had a great group of friends, and all seemed to be going good.
In fact, all was going good until that stupid manager came out of the blue, just to make life miserable for her. Why couldn't he have remained onsite? A weekly status report and he would keep out of her hair, and he didn't seem half as bad on the phone as he did now."Monster" the word escaped her lips before she realised.
And he materialized at that very instant.
And wouldn't he, its like he knew exactly where to be at the exact wrong time when she slipped. like today, when one wrong entry in that darned report needed for all the others to be re-worked. She didn't really have time for all that flashback, he was standing right in front of her, hand casually placed over the cubicle wall with a bemused smile.
He did have a nice smile,she grudgingly gave him that and then he opened his mouth to speak.And that was it, all thoughts of his stupid smile being cute went out the window.
"I am sorry sir, I was talking to myself" she cut him off. His smile became wider and she felt like kicking herself, why did you have to go and apologize for something that he probably didn't even connect to himself." Was there something else to be added sir? I have just started on the rework".He said something and she wasn't sure what it was, he was probably talking to himself. Well, why doesn't he go to his oversized desk and talk to himself, why bother me. But since she couldn't say that to him, she just put on her prettiest fake smile and hoped he would not hear her teeth gnashing behind.
"Do you want me to help you out with that? I know you spent a lot of time on it, its pretty unfortunate that you have to do it again"
Her mouth literally fell open, he! His Holy Majesty was offering to help !Did she hear him right? Was he mocking her and telling her that he doesn't believe she can get it right again? No, don't jump to weird meaningless conclusions, he's just offering to help. Maybe he realised he was harsher with her earlier that required.
"From next time on though, make sure you have the numbers right, it will save us the double effort when you could be doing something else"
How could you even think that he would help you with no sarcastic reprimands! Just a second back, she was almost going to say "Yes", she could go home early she had thought eagerly. Now, there was no way,stupid over-egoistic show-off, I don't need any of your help.
"No sir, its ok, thank you, I'll manage it myself. I'll mail it to you before I leave".
Another of those maddening all-knowing mocking smile and he was gone."Good riddance" and she immediately bit her lip, in case he was still hanging around. Thankfully, he wasn't.
She started on the task. Almost every entry she made, she had a curse ready for him.
Why did he have to come back here?
Why was I the only one who has to report to him?
Why couldn't it have been Ananya(she had gone home 2 hours ago!) or Saahil(he was around somewhere doing God knows what)?
Why me!!
Why couldn't I have confirmed the stupid number with him before having started off?
Who would have thought that he had a 'latest' report! He doesn't expect me to hallucinate it does he?He probably would.2 cups of coffee, a visit from the security guard checking and 4 phone calls from home later she was finally done.
Now to mail it to him and be off with it.He was probably in bed snoring away to glory. The choicest of abuses came to her, but she stopped herself, it was her mistake after all,and she was the only one who could do those reports and he did offer to help, she had been too egoistic to accept.
She stretched to relax her body, she had been in the cooped position for too long. She couldn't feel her legs. She rubbed her eyes wearily, the dark circles from today would take a week to go away. Another bout of curses for him came up.
"How are u planning to go home?"
"What the ... You scared me sir"? Scared would be a gross understatement, he had scared the living daylights out of her. She almost nearly fell off her chair,she told herself, not that she would,but she felt she could have.
"I am sorry about that, I got your mail, I thought you might be ready to leave now, do you have a ride back home?"and that smile of his again,Stop staring at him and answer to what he's asking.
"I .. uh ... no.. I don't have a ride. I mean, I ... uh .. I will book a cab now sir".
Stop stammering stop stammering stop stammering.
"I can drop you if you want"
hmm, he actually stayed back. To drop me? hmmm.
"Well, I stay in XYZ, its probably out of the way for you sir, I'll book a cab"
"Not really, I don't mind at all, in fact, I would appreciate the company."
No you wouldn't, not my company. She had heard that he was an absolute terror to people even onsite. No one could manage one proper conversation with him. People would go out of their way to avoid him.I would definitely not enjoy your company.and he was walking away, he turned over to say "Give me 5 minutes, I have to finish up something"
Oh, so, he was working.
She went to freshen up and one look at the mirror, she looked like she had been toiling in the hot sun without respite for a few weeks, how in the name of the heavens did he manage to look like he had just gotten up after 10 hours of sleep, all fresh and grinning from ear to ear like a donkey. Damn him.
She washed her face, set her hair, sort of satisfied with the end result, she walked out.A sudden thought popped into her head, and why did you have to make sure you weren't looking too bad.Before she could answer her own question, she saw him.
He was good looking in a good sort of way. She had never really noticed him like she would a guy before, he was always Akash, Akash the monster. He was just the boss, not a guy. He wasn't that bad looking at all, she thought as she tried to read in his features without seeming obvious.He was on the phone. She remembered, he stayed with his parents in ABC, that was way out of the way from XYZ. He was probably telling them, he'd be late.
When she came close enough to hear what he was saying, she realised he was on the phone with the client, at 2 in the night for heaven's sake. Doesn't he have a life of his own? Then she also realised, he was one of those untiring, unrelentingly hardworking people for whom work was life. She knew that all the people who were wary of his company or the people who were scared of him,anyone for that matter, would, without blinking say that he was probably the only reason the whole team was on this project. He was good at what he did, all respected him , just that no one saw him get pally with anyone. He was always barking orders. And all seemed to be on the receiving end of it, that definitely doesn't earn friends now does it.
With a start, she wondered, if he felt lonely around all the people he was surrounded by. suddenly, she was almost pitying him, he always went alone everywhere, he didn't really have a fixed lunch group, he probably missed lunch more often that he had it. But he never seemed a loner, he was always something or the other to all.It was like she was seeing him in a new light, he wasn't really a monster, now, was he. He's just doing his job, maybe a tad more roughly than one would want him to.
He was winding up the conversation, and did a "Shall we leave?"gesture. She nodded and they went towards the parking lot.

An evening at work ...

She walked in to find Shreya crying, no, she corrected herself, Shreya had just finished crying and was trying to calm herself.Her face was streaked with tears. She wasnt sobbing, so it wasnt the hysterical sort of thing, something she remembered perhaps, there was nothing about her that shecould connect to un-happiness of any sort.She went upto her and put an armaround her, the poor kid hadnt noticed there was anyone else in the room.She looked into Ananya's face to find a warm comforting look but also thefamous raised eyebrow which was the unspoken question. She knew that shedidnt really have to tell her, but it was Ananya. Anyone could pour theirheart out to her, she would listen patiently, not once interrupt till youget everything off your chest.Then she would tell you how to handle it ifthat was what you wanted or she would convince you that you had done onlywhat you could or something else, but you would always walk away feelinglighter and maybe with a smile too.
Ananya saw the hesitation on her face and knew that she would tell her whatwas wrong. She had come in to look for Shreya, no doubt, her presence wasbeing missed. As it was. they were running short of hands to help and sheherself was away.The hostess. The crowd was piling up and Jeevan wasnt thatgood at handling big numbers as Shreya.Ananya had just walked in afterparking her car and noticed the huge crowd waiting outside her restaurant.A couple of minutes later, she realised the cause and thats where we comeback to the beginning of this story.
There was no point in reprimanding her for being away from her post whenshe obviously was in some form of discomfort.She got her to take a chairwhile she took the stool next to it and asked her "What happened?What upsetyou?" The story came out in bits and pieces and as the girl started toreplay the events, she seemed to lose her control again and startedsobbing. Trying to soothe her and understand her garbled words, Ananya finally made sense of what had happened.
Today was a very busy day for the eatery, people thronged and generally didnot mind waiting an hour to be seated. Turned out that one of the patronswasnt happy with the seat that he had been shown to.He was a regular too.He had been outraged that after waiting for close to 45 mins and being aregular customer too, the staff hadnt shown him enough courtesy.He had beengiven a table in the smoking section.That for some reason he had taken as apersonal insult. He had come back and told her that he did not want theseat he was given, she not knowing why, tried to convince him. With histemper raising, he had told her that he did not want to be in the smokingsection, she had the line of customers in front of her to tend to and thisguy was talking to her in raised tones. So, she told him , "Very politely Ma'am" , to wait a few minutes and Jeevan would attend to him.Less than aminute later, he came back to her and started shouting at the top of hisvoice about courtesy, common sense . So, she told him to give her a coupleof minutes and that she would find him a table in the seating area of hischoice as soon as one became free.Nothing seemed to pacify the man and hekept screaming at her.Nothing abusive thankfully, but very rude.When she could not take it anymore , she had just walked away just in caseshe lost her temper and would say something to him that she couldnt take back.
"I'll go back now ma'am, I guess he would have gone away by now. I dontknow if the hotel has lost a regular and I am sorry about this Ma'am, I should have handled it better."
,"Its not your fault, I know you well enough to say that you have handledthe toughest of customers.This guy must have been something totally out ofthis world to have affected you.Not to worry. Now smile a little, gofreshen up and come back when you feel upto it. I'll handle it till then"and she gave her a big smile.
She hoped Shreya felt better as she walked back to meet the crowd. She tooka deep breath and told herself it was ok, you can handle this.Taking careof the details, the behind the scene work was her forte.She liked stayingin the background and observing what people wanted.Studying people, theirreactions, expressions, animated voices , all that was what she enjoyeddoing.She always tried to shirk away from facing people.And now, it had tobe done. As she walked back, she wondered who this guy was who had createdsuch a huge ruckus that had actually ruffled one of her best.Must be an oldgeezer probably uptight about smoking.Old world grandpa with deeply setnotions of how senior citizens are to be treated.She conjured up and imageof a retired military guy, bald with snow white moustache which isgenerally treated as a symbol of pride, walking stiffly and upright like hewas marching under orders.And laughed. She could imagine him towering over Shreya while she helplessly tried to convince him to wait for a couple of minutes.
15 minutes later, she was too lost in checking in on the service, findingthe right seat, keeping track of which tables were getting freed-up, whichwere in the dessert stage , so she could add them to the next openings, atleast now people were contained into the seating area and not overflowingonto the street.It would show the Banerjee's on the other side how good herbusiness was but she had always thought it was demeaning to have to standon the street in a queue just to eat food. And in the same tone, she triednot to let it happen at her hotel.She would have to open another branchsoon , she knew it but had been postponing it. The brand was in the making,it had good wishes of quite a few regulars, people came from halfway acrosstown too on special occasions, there was a lot of good will that she couldcash in on.There was the investment for that, she had to get the rightbuiling , she had to start scouting for locations, then there was the ....No, she firmly told herself, not now, think of all that later leisurely.Notnow.Almost waiting to break her chain of thought, if she hadnt done soherself, up next was a man whose face was a weird pink. She smiled at himand she made the usual statement "Good evening sir, welcome to Ananya's.Will it be just you or will someone be joining you?"
"Ah, you are a different one.Let me start from the very beginning. It willbe just me.I want to be seated in the non-smoking section." Pause."Is thatclear enough or do I have to repeat myself?"AHA ! so, this was he. She stood silent for a second before replying tohim. She was about to open her mouth when Shreya opened the door to comein, one look at the guy and she stepped right back out in that veryinstant.She laughed.She couldnt help herself, the poor girl had to choose that exact moment to come back, didn't she.
"Something you find amusing?"
She looked back at him, the ring of laughter still in her tone, and said,"Yes, you seemed to have scared Shreya, the hostess for the evening. I had no idea that someone who seems as congenial as you do would have that effect on people. As for your seating request, I am flattered that you like our place enough to have come back after that mini-show you had put on.

An incomplete attempt

She looked at the clock. The hour hand hadnt moved.Why did'nt it? She had patiently waited for a year, but this last one hour was taking forever. She looked at the clock again. Did it move ? or were her eyes just playing tricks on her? She looked around her. There was almost no one else in the station, just the porters lying around. She got up, went and got herself a coffee. It did nothing to soothe her nerves. She walked up and down, sat on the bench, the beautiful sunrise went un-noticed. She paced up and down the platform more than a hundred times and yet that darned clock hand wouldnt move.
"I will be back on the 17th". There was no hi-hello, she picked up the phone at the first ring and she heard the hoop of joy and "I will be back on the 17th". It was the 17th today, all of 5.30 am. Then she heard the whistle of the train as it chugged into the station. Her eyes looked searchingly at every door, into every window, where was he?
He found her before she did him. She was knotting and unknotting the edge of her dupatta. She always did that when she got nervous around him and it always made him smile. Everytime he had heard her voice over the phone, he had imagined her doing that or throwing her long plait over her shoulder like she would when playfully teasing him. Sigh, he had missed her so much the last few months. As he looked at her now he felt it more than he had in all his moments of loneliness, than all those moments when he spent hours looking at her photo and cursing himself for having gone away from her.
She saw him, he was half-hanging out from the train. He was here. The guy with the cutest smile she had ever seen, the guy she had her first crush on, her best friend, the love of her life, her husband was here. He had his broadest smile on, head half tilted, that unruly mop of hair falling over his forehead. She broke into a smile and then into laughter, the whole year melted into nothingness. The train screeched to a halt.He got off the train and walked towards her. Time stilled around them. She was laughing, her happy laugh- oh how he had missed the sight of that.

She stretched out her hand and touched his face. She let her palm linger over his cheek, she felt the slight stubble.As her fingers curled backwards, he held her hands to his face.Her soft fingers against his skin felt like pure magic. He sensed her moving her fingers away maybe because of the place they were in, but he dint really care. He pressed her fingers against his face and close his eyes, letting the sensation sink into him. He opened his eyes and saw the expression on her face had changed. She was trying her best not to break down.
The tears were welling up within her. She dint want to make a scene. It hurt to be so close and have to be away.

Night

The wind was howling ominously . It was pitch black and not a soul in sight.She pulled her overcoat closer and clutched the umbrella tighter. The street lights were not working.The moon was caught behind the clouds.The only sound other than the wind was the steady 'click-click' of her heels.There was still a long way to go. There was this weird feeling that gripped her, she could feel she was not alone , turned back a hundred times but could neither hear nor see anyone.She couldn't risk stopping either.She tried to move faster but was too tired to continue at that pace , as soon as she would slack fear would kick in and then she would force her weary legs to move , they would rebel against her and she would coax them , her mind was steady though the body was burnt out.She had to get there. He would be waiting for her, waiting to take her away from the sordid mess that she was in.Another mile to go, she had been walking 4 hours already.Its just another mile she told herself,there is a city with life just another mile away , the city that can give you your life back.She froze in her tracks.That was unmistakably the sound of footsteps.Her heart was thudding so loudly that if they hadn't seen her,they just might hear her.She broke into a run .The footsteps picked up pace behind her.There was no time to even panic, all she could do was run."Run , dear run ! Look , you are going faster than your brother, you should go for the Olympics someday", she heard her mother's voice after all these years.How did she get herself into this mess ? From that sunny day at the beach with the blue ocean to this dark lonely night.She broke into sobs,her legs gave way and she fell , face down.One bullet,just one bullet, that's all it took.25 years of life,25 years of laughter , 25 years of fear ,25 years of memories - all taken away in one second.They had got her.It was all over.All that she held dear was over.At least there would be no more terror, maybe some pain but no more terror.She was free.She did not hit the hard ground,she fell into something soft,she held on tight and looked up.It was him, she had made it after all.There were lights all around her.She had made it into the city.She just hadn't realised.She handed him the package that she had guarded with her life.She smiled and closed her eyes . There was no more pain now.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life !

The orange of the sky seemed to reflect off his bare shoulders, the glistening droplets of water on his back and the wet strands of hair falling across his forehead bore testimonial to his swim.It was the river bank that he was lying on now, trying to clear his head.The cool waters of the river always seemed to do the trick for him but today even they decided to desert him.He took a deep breath like he was trying to absorb all that was in front of him at this moment.This moment where the sun was dying and the sky gracefully consented to let herself be coloured.This moment where the running waters seem to be calling out to him. This private moment,curled up on the river-bed, when he succumbed to tears.This moment when he is the most vulnerable that he will ever let himself be.This moment that makes him realise that the world as he knows it is crumbling around him. He wished for the power to still life, he would do so at this instance and keep this slice of life with him forever."Power", the word made him smile, involuntarily. He would never want for anything, never again.He made himself that silent promise.As the darkness descended around him, the flame of hope within him began to rise.A new journey was about to begin.

Reborn !

He removed the curl of hair that fell across her face. She did not even stir. Maybe she was lost in the magical world of dreams.The defiant curl of hair fell back again, as if it were not willing to go away from her pretty face.She is pretty, he thought to himself. His thoughts wandered back to the first time he saw her. He was sitting by the lake trying to fight off the demons in his head, the searing voices that told him to stop, that showed him fear of death and hope for life in the same breath.His life had come to a standstill. He was walking away from all that he had done, he probably would never be forgiven by all those who had died at his hands, but he did not want any more blood on his hands.He had willingly taken up this path of life, there was no story of being an orphan and having no food, or having a father who was a thug.He had never had qualms about being called a murderer or a drug dealer.He saw the power that came with it.The fear in the eyes of people as he passed them by, the money that flowed in like water.The company he kept.That was the language he understood.It was worth a few measly lives.He never looked back with regret.Until that day. It was to be a simple job.The assignment was a woman who lived alone. He walked into the room, her back was to him.She was less than 3 feet away, he took out his gun.As he pulled the trigger, the lady had turned around and in her hands was a child no more than 2 years.It hit the baby straight.It was the first time he witnessed so horrifying a death.There was no sound.There was no grimace on the face.A gurgling sound just melted into silence. It was the expression on the mother's face.She didn't cry, she didn't scream, she just folded into herself. She looked at him in disbelief, she clutched the baby in her hands closer and fell. He did not remember going back home.He had wandered the streets aimlessly.He had gone to the river.All his horrors seemed to come back and haunt him.All the faces that had begged for mercy, all the nightmares.The night was gone and he was restless.He did not know what he was fighting.His way of life? Why was he questioning himself? He did not know , but he knew he would never be able to do it again.He needed to free himself.The sun was bringing the day back.The running waters seemed to carry away his troubles with them.Today he had no place else to go.He lay back , watched the green grass and the small yellow flowers dancing in the breeze.The sound of silence had always bothered him, but today it gave him his peace.He fell asleep and woke up to find a very concerned pair of eyes peering into his face.She jumped as he opened his eyes. "You're alive!" In more ways than one, he was reborn.She stirred and it brought him back to the present.He pushed the curl back, gently kissed her forehead.She opened her eyes , blinked the harsh daylight out and smiled at him. She was his angel.She had guided him back into life. She made his nightmares disappear.He sighed,he had made another decision. Today was the day he was going to tell her.Today he would have to put her through this.He would come clean.He loved her more than life itself.He could not go through each day with the fear of her finding out.He had always shielded her from the world and from him.More for his sake than hers, he had found love and he held on to it, but he knew he would have to tell her.He sighed again as she looked at him with her questioning eyes.She could always see through him.The part of him that he had let her see. The part of him that she had helped him rediscover.She never knew how much pleasure the small things of daily life gave him.He was beginning to think of himself as a human being again.He did not want to tell her but he also knew he would.He needed his guardian angel now.

Varsham

I've spent the whole day waiting for it .Everything around me stands still in eager anticipation. The wind picks up making me pull my sweater tighter and hug myself. I don’t close the windows though. I want to see it straight when it starts. Everything looks so dull, it isn't gray actually but the sunshine that brings the warmth is missing. There I am, alone, all alone, my thoughts start to wander and the very thing I was waiting for happened catching me off guard. The skies opened up. Those first few drops danced their way onto the earth below oblivious to the fact that it meant the end of their existence. The rain picks up, faster and harder and more, the drops come down as though trying to wash away everything.It’s my favourite part of the year, the first drops always bring a smile to my face, so why don’t they today? I close the windows now, I couldn't possibly get wet. They fall on the pane showing me that I can’t close them out, drop by drop, they form a beautiful pattern and then just disappear like it never happened. The rain has become too heavy now, it’s like a sheet of water and running down the glass. Everything suddenly seems blurred, I can’t see those trees .And then it happened, one drop rolled down my face. I dint try to stop it, I couldn't possibly. And then I knew I wanted to be there .I opened the door, the wind hit my face first and then the rain. It din’t matter anymore. I stepped out. I could sense it, bit by bit I was soaked, maybe by the rain, maybe by my tears.

If I could change the ending ...

She’s standing in the balcony, arm outstretched . She always does that . It makes her feel like she’s holding on to a bit of the rain. Like she could hold on to that instant when the drop falls into her palm and make that instant last forever, by just closing her fist around it. That’s what I think she is doing at least. Her child-like enthusiasm about the smallest , almost insignificant details is almost contagious. It seems like the same things repeated over and over don’t really bore her. As soon as she senses it, a small smile plays on her lips, it seems to reach her eyes and en route bringing a rosy glow to her cheeks .. and in less than a minute , you can see her whole body bounding around with an inexplicable energy. If happiness were this simple, if I could forget everything in this world for a minute and be filled with the kind of wonder and enthusiasm that she is, I would willingly choose to be blind. I call out to her, “Its time for today’s Braille session.”Every time I see her this happy, for a second, feelings that most probably mean happiness seem to rise within me followed immediately by rage. She has never said a word. She has never really indicated either, but whenever I see her, all I can think of is how big a failure I have been. I promised her the world, when she stepped into my house as my bride. Today, the very palm that she holds out is calloused with all the hard work she has to do to make ends meet. Today, that very instant that she wants to hold on probably reminds her of the time not too long back when was genuinely happy all the while.Her not complaining about it makes it worse for me, like she is a saint and I am the villain who spoilt her life. “If you are done wasting time in the rain, go get some tea for your husband who works day and night to get some food” . I see the devil within me raise , I cant control him. He throws my failures into my face and I need to appease him. I turn my face away, I cant bear to see that look on her face, where she replaces true happiness with a fake smile for my sake. Why does she bear me? Just because I loved her once. What a price she is paying for that. I cant pity her either, for I know, I am in a more pitiable condition than her. I don’t even deserver the affection she bestows on me , let alone the love.My sister is the prettiest girl in the world.I can hear her humming to herself. She always does that when she is happy ….. When I grow up, I am going to be just like her. “Didi, wait, even I want to play in the rain, I got the paper , can we make the paper boats now ?”I don’t really hang around my balcony all day waiting for her to come out to her balcony, but “Thank You God, thank You , thank You , thank You !! Thank You for making it rain . Now just make her look at me. Just once. Please please please ” She looked at me, she just looked at me. She’s smiling at me. Or is it the smile for the rain that carried over. Should I smile back? Should I wave a hi? Should I ignore it ? She turned away ! !! “I am absolute jackass, I should have done something, anything”“God ,Pllllllllease keep it raining “ I tiptoe upto her(not really required I guess , she dint hear my banging down the door either before I remembered I have my own keys) and say Hi . She responds with a “You are late! You missed the first few minutes !! “ It really is hard to not kick off your shoes, join in on the fun and jump around :D So, if you intend to visit us, just make sure its not raining when you drop by.

Chudi baji hai kahiin door chanchan chan

Darn it! Late again. Its a quarter past 8 and my brother is still getting ready for school.When I used to go to school, we had to be at our desk by 8.15 and we never had anyone to drop us.We had to huff and puff our way up that road on a cycle. Its all my fault really, I shouldn't have gotten him used to royal services like this. I made a mental note to myself to get him a cycle soon and ask him to go on his own.He doesn't even realise that I end up 20 mins early at office just for his sake."Yo bro, 5 mins more and you wont need to go to school anymore, the watchman will lock the gate""Why all the hollering? I am ready aren't I?? Lets go" . Whew ! We wouldn't miss being on time then. I was relieved."Hold it" and both of us froze at the tone. It couldn't be anyone else. It was mom. "Where do you think you are going without breakfast. I get up early to make it for you louts and daily the maid ends up with a feast and you go eat bread in those God-awful canteens". Before she could launch into a full on attack, both of us gobbled half and held on to half the chapathi and ran out the door.We were late, there was no doubt about it.I could almost wring his neck for it and he's looking at me grinning like we've won something."Wipe that silly smile off, I wont drop you back if the gates are closed.Lets see how you like walking back 3 kms." That wiped that grin off his face, not completely though.As I weaved through traffic, I noticed all the vehicles passing by.Not too many 2-wheelers, there was a light drizzle and that meant I had to be extra careful about the puddles and that splashing onto us.Not too many white cars either, I realise, probably because they get dirtier faster.Just one more traffic light and I so hope the day turns out well.Monday mornings always tense me up more.There's the 2 day gap and its the start of a new week. Call me superstitious if you will but I need a good beginning and that nice feel to last all week.There's the signal.I slow down and look around trying to find THAT one white car that I want to see.Its not there. Panic builds up.I look around and the bike sways and my bro holds on harder to me. I stop the bike to see if he's alright and out the corner of my eye, I see it.It stops right next to me, just a little ahead.I cant peer in without looking like a roadside cheapo.Its got all dark-tinted windows.The window rolls down and the little kids on the road jump towards it.The chipmunks were actually waiting in the rain for her to give them their first earning of the day.They must be as superstitious as me.She's worn her gold bangles today and her nails aren't painted either. Must be wearing a traditional dress. Probably a saree.With a beautiful face like hers, she probably looks divine today. Her hair falling till her shoulders, fresh jasmine in them, a nice bottu, sandalwood paste on the forehead and smiling happily. Sigh.I get a hard poke in my ribs and find my brother's face almost in mine "Le Hrithik, Ameesha's gone, can we go now?" I give him one knock on the head.Kids these days.Hmph.With one last look at the disappearing car, I wonder if she really looks as nice in real life as in my dreams?Some day, I hope I can see her smile. Till then, I'll hold on those bangles.

With great power comes ..... a need for solitude

The road was poorly lit.There were a couple of street lights but none in working condition.There was a stillness to everything, like it was a picture and not a frame out of real life.An occasional wind was the only change in status.He looked out the car window. He liked it like that.Once the dust that his wheels kicked up would die down, the place would look like it always had.People were terrified to walk that road in the day leave alone the night.That served him well. He wanted time alone.He didn't need the thousands of voices around him telling him what to do.He came here to listen to his voice, his only way of safekeeping it from being lost in the overcrowded mass that was around him.No one would be able to single him out from the crowd.They felt he was one of them.He sniggered in contempt.He, one of them, that would be day. Even before the thought faded, he remembered the days when he tried with all his might to be one of them, to fit into them, ever worried that someone might stumble over his secret. Forever safeguarding it.He had never been able to shut it out.That he accepted defeat to.He learnt to use it to his advantage, he learnt to use it such that no one ever caught a whiff of it. He could hear people's thoughts.Not much, one could think. Imagine when every moment of your life was crowded with voices. You would try to see who spoke, but there would be no one whose lips were moving, but you could hear it.Imagine walking down a road, a million thoughts crisscrossing the air and all of them telling your brain that it was a sound.He couldn't shut it out.He hadn't found a way to do that.Yet.So,once in every while, he would come to this run-down supposedly haunted place just to appreciate silence.To look at life like it should have been in his head.Feeling like a misfit all his life, until the day he realised he was gifted in this special way.His contempt for would never let anyone know of this. The Power was all his to wield.

And he smiled !

It was that part of a moment when one moves out of the sleep zone and right before when one is awake. Like the dawn of the waking day. She was there. As she waited for the fuzziness to clear out from her mind, she knew something was different about today.She couldn't put her finger on what that was, but there it was, that feeling. She turned around to snuggle into her pillow, but she couldn't move. Something held her in place. She awoke with a start then.

Her eyes found comfort in the fact that it was still dark around her, there was a lamp in the room, the only source of light. Before she could take solace in the fact that it wasn't time yet for her to get up and leave for work, she realised that she didn't have a lamp in her bedroom.And then, she looked at herself and realised why she couldn't move, her hands and legs were bound. She let out a gasp involuntarily and when she heard herself, it was a muffled sound that seemed to shatter the silence around her. And that scared her. It was like she had disturbed the pattern. There was shelter in the silence, a peace to it, she had disturbed it. Maybe if she just huddled back silently, closed her eyes and wished this gone away, she would wake up and put this nightmare behind her.

She closed her eyes and wished with all her might to get back to reality. And she gave it a one minute's pause as a good measure.And slowly, hesitantly , she opened her eyes to her reality.

She screamed. Tranquility be damned, peace be damned, silence be damned. She screamed herself hoarse, until she no longer had a voice. Then the door opened. It surprised her, because she hadn't known there was a door.There was a little bit of fear seeping back until she heard a voice, a gruff voice say something she couldn't understand. But she did shut up then and the voice disappeared with fading footsteps that she hadn't heard approaching earlier.

She wouldn't give into hysteria or to tears. She steeled herself to accepting this present situation. She tried recalling what she last remembered as normal.Going to work in the morning was the last coherent thought she could recall. She had pulled over for coffee or had she? It was too much of a fuzzy memory. 

She twisted her arms, her hands were bound tight and the rope didn't budge. There wasn't even wriggling area. She knew what the knot was, she had learnt it from her father. She couldn't remember the name but she knew exactly how it was made.She mentally kicked herself for not learning how to undo it. She looked around the room, looking for something that would let her loose.She was on a bed. The lamp in the corner. She hopped over to the lamp feeling like a kangaroo. It was an old kerosene lamp. There was glass and the flame to use. She pushed the lamp, watched the glass break with a tinkle and the kerosene make a wet patch on the floor.She looked at the door, wondering if the sound had been loud enough for the owner of the gruff voice to walk in again, but he didn't come back. She picked up one of the bigger pieces and tried to rub them against the rope holding her wrists together.She cut herself a couple of times and finally succeeded in wearing the rope down enough to give some wriggling space. A triumphant feeling had start to spread over her, but she ground her teeth and kept at it not wanting to break the spell.

The door opened. More of the gruff voice, definitely yelling now. He went out again, returned in a minute with a bucket of water and threw it over the former lamp and it's mess. She shrank back wondering what would happen to her, furiously trying still to cut open the ropes which probably in hindsight she would think wasn't as smart as trying to have hidden that piece of glass somewhere.

Satisfied that the potential fire was put out, he walked over to her, took the glass piece from her and retied her with another rope that managed to appear out of nowhere. Then, he walked out.

She wasn't sure how many hours had passed since that first waking moment of hers. She had kept trying to find some way to get out of there.She had racked her brains as to why she would be here, true she was rich, but rich enough to get kidnapped? She wondered if someone was paying her ransom at this moment. She wondered if her boss missed her at work and tried contacting her.She wondered if it was evening already and the friends she was supposed to meet up for coffee had missed her. 

And then she laughed to herself at the futility of it all. How did all that matter? All that did matter now is that she was at the mercy of her 'kidnappers'. Having resigned herself to that fact she waited for that man to show up again, so she could at least understand what was happening. They had to give her food at least.

Waiting in the silence, in the darkness tore a part of her. For some reason, she could not fathom , all her personal devils reared their head to torment her at this moment. It spurred her into action.She twisted her hands again straining her neck to look for something that she might have missed earlier. She heard the footsteps come close this time. As the door creaked on its hinges, she sat back apprehensively. It was food. He put the plate on the floor and had walked away when she realised he wasn't going to talk to her and maybe that he didn't even realise that she couldn't eat with her hands bound. She just couldn't believe it. She had just about started bemoaning her fate when another guy came in and untied her hands, gestured that she should take off the gag and eat.

She couldn't try anything dumb, especially not with the mammoth sized creature standing with his hands crossed in front of her. She ate, almost with gratitude, when she realised how hungry she was.

3 days later, which she deduced by counting the number of meals she had, she didn't know where she was, why she was there and a couple of escape attempts later she was still where she had started off. They wouldn't talk to her, they wouldn't bother her.

Today, she had another plan. When she heard the doorsteps, she stood behind the door, yesterday's plate in hand. As the door swung open, she swung with all her might right across the face.The man was stunned, she jumped over him and hopped till the edge of the corridor where she could see a window. It was daytime, sunlight was filtering in. There was hope. She fell face forward and was waiting for her face to break, waiting for that crunching sound, when someone held her and broke the fall. He turned her around, so she was on her back. The same man, who had thwarted her thrice already, but had never reacted was now red in the face notwithstanding the bruise that was forming. He muttered something that was unintelligible. She waited for him to fume and she almost readied herself for a blow. She had tried so hard last three days, using all that she could find. All she had thought of was escape, the insanity of the whole situation was driving her insane.Now, it looked like she was stuck in this hell. Something inside her was breaking, the constriction in her throat seemed to be tightening, tears were welling up in her eyes. Her eyes had been downcast, she looked at his face to see if she could interpret the signs of her future in that mask. 

And he smiled! 

As he did, she realised that the smile actually lauded her spirit. It looked like a father consoling and doting simultaneously a daughter who had tried something and not succeeded. He seemed human in that light.

The tears disappeared. She knew that she would get out of here. The smile gave her the strength.She would not stop trying.